I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize