I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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