i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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