the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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