Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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