I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
