She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
