I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
