why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
this just has baby written all over it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
