My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
