....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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