every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
