He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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