Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
