you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
do herpes really smell.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
