good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
