I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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