I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just googled if crying burns calories
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
