wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
