never play flip cup with pint glasses
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
A bitchslap is in order.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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