I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
