Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
