i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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