I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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