i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
