I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
