im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
