When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
they need to just BURY HIM!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
