whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
