I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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