Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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