My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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