you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
