No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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