Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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