dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
