my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
