she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
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I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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