I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
