He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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