the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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