last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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