i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
