Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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