I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
