she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
