Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Please, let me fuck your mom
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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