i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize