He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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