I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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