so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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