I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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