I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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