o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
How's work?
Spinning.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
