I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize