she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
