his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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