The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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