Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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