So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
