She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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